Valour from Within

Panic! at the Party! (Session Twelve)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

With knowing Carmen was going to be assassinated at the Thellalolan summer festival, the party set out to find some information about the assassination attempt and who is behind it. Their one lead was the victim, Carmen, and they asked her about what enemies she had, who did this to her, and in one noteable question, asked if she recognised the plain, normal arrow.

Carmen’s noteable enemies were her father, who would hate her for shirking her noble blood, and her ex-fiancee, who she left the arranged marriage so she could be with Solana.

It wasn’t until Royal asked if she recognised anything about the note that was tied to the arrow. Carmen recognised the handwriting, which was of the Whitecliff’s court decrepit scribe, who wrote most of the letters for nobles within the Whitecliff court. This narrowed the suspects to nobles within the Whitecliff court, who hated Carmen for whatever reason.

The party knew that no weapons and armour were allowed at the festival, so they pre-emptively bought a bag of holding and stored their weapons in them in case an all out brawl happened. The rest of the gear will be kept for safe-keeping in Solana’s mother’s house.

Upon viewing the map of the party, the group doled out locations and plans. Royal took the stage with Ryuu as a wallflower near it. Astor was on the dancefloor, Filen with the food tables, and Merley at the bar. With the group so spread out, they could look innocuous and get a good view of each part of the party. And naturally, Royal had a stellar perform check, and was singing a musical version of Xena: Warrior Princess season one.

The first assassin was found by Ryuu, Astor and Royal. She was a dancer, and had something sharp and shiny, and with a well-placed suggestion, she handed the now-disguised “bouquet of flowers” (dagger) to Royal, and then walked outside with Ryuu. After an attempt of interrogation, Ryuu rolled a cracking intimidation check, and made the poor lady piss herself in fear. She admitted that she was working for Edmund to kill Carmen, and that there were 3 other assassins at the party. She quickly scampered as she didn’t want to get killed by the scary dragonborn.

With one assassin down, it panned over to Filen and Merley. Filen spotted someone with a weird rod in their trousers, so he decided to keep an eye on him. While, at the bar, Merley royally failed a constitution check for some honey mead, threw up on the bartender and the bar, and was manhandled out and left to sleep off the drink in a puddle of her own puke and in the grass. This is where she spent the rest of the session with continuing shitty constitution saves.

It panned back to Filen, who decided to approach the strange rod man when he began to approach the bar, where Carmen and Solana were doing shots.

Filen asked the man how to magically cook food, and while doing so, did a crap sleight of hand roll and ended up cupping his genitals. Not knowing what to do, Filen shouted BANANA, which brought Ryuu over, and they decided to leave the party to discuss what had happened. The man demanded an apology, hated the fact that he got felt up, and Ryuu offered to buy him a drink in apology. Upon walking back to the bar, the man drew out a rod, and was levelling it at Carmen when Filen attempted to tackle him (missed), Ryuu attempting to punch him (missed) and Royal casted sleep. With the man passed out, he was assumed too drunk, and was added to the passed out pile with Merley.

Next, the bartender was under suspicion. They were selling a weird half-orc alcohol, one that was clear and was easily flammable, when Royal spotted something that didn’t match the rest of the bartenders: a purse. Their last suggestion was used asking them to place the purse on the bartop, which revealed strange white pills. They revealed that they wanted to kill Carmen for Edmund, before killing themselves with a hidden cyanide pill. Royal quickly covered for the death by saying “ha! You can’t handle your alcohol! Someone add them to the drunk pile!” which convinced most everybody that looked their way.

Three out of four assassins down. Dagger, rod, poison, the fourth they guessed would be on the rooftops surrounding. Ryuu and Royal laid out a distraction, while the rogues climbed up top. Astor handily pulled herself up there, but fell off immediately after. Filen, while struggling to get up, actually managed to stay on, and while stealthed, noticed a sweet hog roast.

Royal actually noticed the 6 assassins aiming their bows Carmen, and yelled BANANA HAMMOCK (an agreed upon alert word), which alerted the entire party. In a flash, the rogue was back up there attacking, Filen had already run one through, and Ryuu was already throwing punches because he forgot his weapon and forgot he had a breath attack.

From the ground, Royal had thrown Carmen a bow, and she picked off the last of the assassins, who were stunned from a unified attack. They only managed to get a few volleys off, grazing Carmen and Solana, and few of the party members.

Somehow, despite Merley being pissed for all of it, and some incredibly shitty rolls, the party had made sure Carmen and her wife-to-be were safe. And it was an incredible experience sitting through the results.

Tune in next time to hear about the aftermath, and hopefully learn more about the political intrigue. Like, who wants Carmen dead that bad? She’s a precious ranger lesbian of whom we love. She better start praying to me, your Goddex, that she isn’t put in harms way yet again.

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Heart on Fire (Session Eleven)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

We are here! It is time! Plot and events and shit! Hooray!

With the cave dealt with and the infected goblins thoroughly exploded, the straight-backed thought it was time to return home and give the intrepid heroes their rewards. They started off on the trek, feeling confident, up until they got ambushed by a weird black goop.

It was all going well, kind of, with the fight with the black pudding until Ryuu with his slash based greatsword cut it and made it form a second monster. Astor almost died (got knocked unconscious), Royal almost died (got knocked unconscious), Ryuu made another black pudding via slashing before realising what was going wrong, made a rather ineffective breath weapon attack as the black pudding is immune to lightning, and after that Astor set themselves on fire for a round.

Most people were genuinely useless, until Merley became the MVP and killed two of the goops as Astor killed the other. It was purely chaos and I had never seen the party struggle so much, which pleased this DM.

They got their rewards, the goblins celeberated, and they set up camp away from the goblin civilisation. While most people did their nightwatches correctly, Royal thought it was a good use of the party’s time and protection to go explore Astor’s hind caves. Needless to say, Astor won’t be sitting down for the next day.

In the morning, Merley found some berries to eat but was unsure if they were actually edible, while Ryuu actually hunted something useful and brought back a buck. He successfully skinned it and cooked the meat, which pleased the entire party.

They made their way back to Thellalona, where they spent the first chunk of their time attending a kind but very messy dwarf cleric of Eldath. Most of the party got their wounds healed, and donated towards her church. After this, they decided the most important thing was to find a bar, clean up, and get absolutely smashed in celebration.

Midway through their shower, they heard screaming and people running, and as they got sloppily dressed they found Carmen in the middle of the street with an arrow lodged in her chest. Most of the party did not know what to do as they were panicking because their favourite not-princess lesbian was struggling to breath with an arrow in her lung.

It wasn’t until Solana arrived, with tears in her eyes that her fiancee was hurt, that she did a successful medicine check and started a complex surgery so Carmen could breath. With a broken hollow tent pole from Astor, and a dagger from Royal, she inserted the tent pole into her throat so she could breathe, and managed to get a large plank of wood from the bartender nearby as a backboard.

The note that was attached to the arrow was read shortly after, saying ‘this is only the beginning, it will end at the dance’. Not knowing what to do for now, the party helped transport the injured Carmen to Solana’s mother’s house, and found her standing at the steps looking aghast that her future daughter in law was so grievously wounded.

I ended the session there because I am a glorious asshole who survives on the pain of my players. And this DM, this goddex, is pleased with themselves. See you all next time, and you better be praying to me that Carmen survives.

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Holy Crit (Session Ten)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

Happy belated holidays!

We’re at the Infected Goblin nest cave network thing, and one thing the party instantly noticed was the sheer heat coming out the one entrance. A mixture of decomposing and live heat and it having nowhere to escape made the nest essentially an oven. Inside, they could see glowing goop and viscera.

Ryuu was the only one who made the constitution save to not get affected by the heat, avoiding nonlethal damage.

They decided to check out Room 5 first, fighting 3 infected goblins of which Ryuu was the first to get bit. They figured that the bite was fine for now, but needed to be attended to by a cleric as soon as possible. And then the looting began, with Royal elected as party treasurer.

Next they went to the North section into the described ‘t-pose’ area, and went left first, encountering their first ever Cave Fisher. Filen was instantly terrified because he hates bugs, and Royal discovered the buffing power of classic metal music which seemed to really empower the party, most particularly Filen.

Then they went down to Room 3, edging around Room 2, and were almost walking straight through Room 3 when Astor and her eagle eyes spotted a chest, to which Filen broke the lock (instead of opening it) and looted the entire contents.

Then they went to the “penis” of the dungeon, of which the entire party went right down to the dead end, turned around and discovered an entire hoard of infected goblins running right at them. They were struggling to fight such a disgusting wave of goblinflesh when Royal had the fantastic idea of putting them all to sleep which went incredibly well. It was arguably the smartest move anyone had done in this campaign so far.

With all the goblins asleep (all 8 of them), they slowed cycled the players around, performing instant crits on unconscious helpless targets. One by one, they all fell down.

Now that the hoard was dead, they moved into the “balls” of the dungeon, where Ryuu almost fell into a camouflaged pit with a 30ft drop. At the bottom, he spotted an unlocked chest, to which he tied his hempen rope around himself and Astor climbed down, retrieving the contents.

With that done, they swung back up into Room 4, fought another Cave Fisher. Merley managed to lodge her quarterstaff inbetween its armour somehow, and they struggled to finish it off until Astor came out of left field and absolutely obliterated it into giblets.

Soon after that, the party managed to clear and check that the rest of the dungeon was safe, so that the Straight-backed goblins from the last session could start planting explosives. Ten minutes passed, and the goblins came out with an armful of wires, of which they attached to a strange box. They told the party to cover their ears, and set off the explosions.

Everyone held their ground against the shockwave bar Merley, who was threw back and ended up rolling down a hill.

With the nest sorted, and the Straight-backed goblins happy with the results, they decided to set up camp right outside for the night just to make sure and we ended the session.

It was a fantastic session to start the new year off with, and everyone had a ton of fun. This pleases me, the Goddex, the great Asari, and I hope to see you all next time when the party gets their reward.

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Fail Snails (Session Nine)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

And we’re back! Onto the show.

The party (and by that I mean, Merley, Ryuu and Filen) descended downstairs from the inn and into the tavern and found Royal, Astor, Carmen and Solana missing. They first tried to track them by scent, Filen used his mouse to track breadcrumbs into the pantry, ultimately stealing one loaf of bread.

Then, they used the common sense part of their brain and asked the bartender. He was a black dwarf with a gnarled scar across his jaw, and while Merley did a double shot a straight vodka, Ryuu and Filen asked about their missing friends.

Eventually, they did learn about their hunt for the goblins, and their civil war. They were pointed in a vague direction by the bartender, and started walking. It was a while until they found tracks left by their friends.

Filen immediately went into stealth mode and had a look around, and noticed “Straight-backed Goblins” wearing gas masks huddled around their missing friend’s unconscious bodies while a pile of mauled goblins lay piled up on the opposite edge of the crater. Filen overheard them discussing about how they were not supposed to be the target of the gas, and that they didn’t know how it would behave on “City-dwellers.”

Ryuu then approached the Goblins, and was assault by a plethora of questions about gas on city-dwellers, none of which he could answer.

It turns out, that the Straight-backed Goblins were at civil war with their fellow brethren, but because they had revered a plague demon which then infected them via ear worms that took over their body and hosted them to spread the plague further.

He then tried to wake his friends up. First, he tried to shake Carmen awake, which did not work. Then, Ryuu slapped Royal so hard he immediately woke up and threw up down Ryuu’s front. He tried Solana next, who he only got in a semi-conscious state. Then Astor, of which he did a suplex. The hangovers were absolutely legendary.

One of them wasn’t a combatant, more of a self-described scholar, who specialised in biology. He asked for help from the party in taking out the “nest” in hopes that this would solve their goblin problem before it hit Thelallona, and in payment the party would get cheese, books, and a weapon for Ryuu.

So, they began walking. They discussed goblin-kind, and a bit about the Scholar himself, but stumbled upon two very pissed flail snails.

Now, you think the party could dispatch them with ease. Nope. They spent most of the combat completely missing, including the flail snails. Noteable things happened, such as: Ryuu cleaving one in half with a crit, beheading the other, and Royal yeeting his rapier so hard it went 50 paces and ended up pinning a bee to a tree.

We ended the session there because it was getting late for the DM, but it was cracking and super fun as usual.

How will the party deal with the nest? Will they get infected? Will the scholar get to use his incredibly high explosives? Tune in next time, and @ the MI6 reading this: I am but a simple Goddex, the high explosives are imaginary, please don’t kick my door in.

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Drunken Shenanigans (Session Eight)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

We’re back! My knee is still fucked! Onto the show. A small session with few players, but we ran it regardless.

With the party back in Thelallona, most of them retired to bed. Apart from two: Astor and Royal. They decided to drink their woes and horrors away instead, joined by resident lesbians, Carmen and Solana.

In the process of getting drunk (or in Astor’s case, drunker), a messenger girl stampeded through the bar and handed them a letter from their adventuring guild. Apparently, Ebon Adventuring Group had now permanently stationed them in Thelallona, and wanted them to sort out the goblin civil war that was impacting business.

So, deciding to go while absolutely shitfaced, the squad set out with thankfully Solana knowing the way to where one sect of goblins are. Unfortunately, while walking through the thick underbrush, Carmen tripped on something and knocked herself out. The party, after this, heard mumbling and gobbish grumpling. “_Fleshfood smell delicious_.”

Out stepped a tiny green goblin, surprisingly beefy, and eyed the drunk party up. They explained their woes, saying that the other had stolen their precious cheese and recipe, all because she bedded the other chieftan’s daughter. So, she lead the drunken party into the goblin crater, and into the “Chieftan’s hut”.

Then it went quiet. When they got up to go investigate after a few minutes of callouts and vague attempts of speaking Goblin, a net trap sprung, trapping air where they were sitting just moments ago.

The tent then collapsed, revealing rabid and starved goblins. They were hungry, and the party was dinner.

Then the fight broke out. Rapiers and bows in hand, they fought valiantly, only taking minor damage. Astor killed many goblins, and Royal lost one (1) beard hair. Solana snapped the string on her bow, which resorted to her bringing up her fists, and landing a crit.

During the fight, the party noticed that while the goblins were natural, their symptoms were not. The foaming at the mouth, the disgusting behaviour, the general rabidness: something was wrong, and they were too drunk to find it out.

They somehow survived, despite being absolutely smashed. They were just about to celebrate victory when a fog rolled in, and they all shortly passed out. Every single one of them.

Will the rest of the party find them next time? How bad are their hangovers gonna be? I don’t know, but they better beg for mercy, and beg to me specifically, the Goddex, the DM, the homosexual themselves. See you next time.

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Permanent Fingergun (Session Seven)

Hello, It is your Goddex speaking.

It’s been a long while hasn’t it? This DM had their birthday (got wankered both ways), and then went to a convention where they absolutely annihilated their knee.

But we’re back, and we’re finally ready to knock out this hellspawn manor once and for all… hopefully.

We started off this session with a crack rather than a bang, as the bard tried to kick open the next door. He ended up dislocating his knee, of which he rather professionally put that back in with a good medicine check.

To which Ryuu, local Big McLargehuge strongman, opened the door with a strength check and took it off it’s hinges. He then got greeted with two very pissed giant constrictor snakes. Everyone rolled initiative and did rather well, including myself. Ryuu’s first move was him throwing the door at a snake, and actually doing damage, which was incredible.

Astor, on the other hand, did not have such luck. She fed her rapier to the snake, and then got constricted and trapped by it. She did, however, get partially free, and thwapped it on the nose with a punch for constricting her.

Now. Filen really likes snakes. Really likes snakes. So when he saw the giant dog noodles, he really wanted to “boop the snoot”. And he did, except he lost 3 fingers on his right hand because of it. Everyone broke down laughing when he said he now has “a permanent fingergun.”

Royal, after an inspiring song of “Everybody Knows Shit Fucked”, charged in and absolutely obliterated the first snake with a crit, and Ryuu followed that up with a crit of his own and beheaded the other snake. In one round, after many rounds of struggle, two crits happened and the fight was over.

Now that they had the symbol of trap, they placed them in the locked door. It opened with Filen’s touch, to which he got blown down the stairs with a giant gust of air while everyone else remained standing. Inside, was a hallway that was quite similar to a throat, and Ryuu was the first person to brave this moist cave.

Inside was a room of which 6 bodies in burlap sacks dropped down, hanging from a noose. A puzzle was scratched out on the far wall, asking the players to free the innocent man. After much debate, they decided on the counterfeiter which thankfully for them, was the right answer. The puzzle on the wall turned into a mouth, of which opened and revealed a giant heart.

A brief debate happened, and Astor just decided to stab it because honestly, what else could they do? It was the heart of the manor, and the manor needed dealing with.

So they stab the heart, and brilliant flash of white overcomes their vision. Most people are left standing, with the exception of the bard, who is passed out in a puddle of their own puke.

Carmen and Solana appear shortly, thanking them for their work, while spreading salt around the edge of the crater of what used to be the manor.

We ended the session with a level up – they had finally reached level 3, the lucky sods. But many of them, particularly Filen, wondered what the cost was for all that XP. Filen seemed particularly disturbed.

What a fantastic session to come back to, and hey, we might even have some newcomers at this rate. So you better thank me, your Goddex, because who else can you thank? I’m brilliant! See you next time, readers.

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Guts and Glory (Mainly Guts) (Session Six)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

How long has it been? Fucking hell, you look away for two minutes and there’s dust everywhere and it’s nearly been a month.

So, where were we? Right, haunted flesh manor of shit’s fucked.

So, Royal, the squishy bard, was the first to enter the mansion. He was immediately greeted with a zombie swipe to the face, and was thrown into initiative. The group fought coherently for the first time and despite damage being taken, they survived.

With the zombies finally out of the way, they took in the mansion. The short of it: it was absolutely vile. The long of it: the mansion was alive and it didn’t like them being there. There was a kitchen to the right, and a dining hall to the left. Pus bubbles burst, and every inch of it was fleshed over and moving. The entire time, they could faintly hear and feel a heartbeat that wasn’t there. There was a second floor, in a center an thick metal door with no way of opening it, and to the right and left of it, rooms.

Royal figured out to open the door, they needed a symbol of fang and a symbol of trap.

The party ventured into the kitchen first. Merley found 5 potions of health, Filen found 2 of the same, and Astor studied the painting that was staring right at them regardless of their positioning in the room. Upon discovering that Astor wanted nothing to do with something giving off such evil vibes, she gave it a wide berth. Other than that, nothing was to be found other than the diseased eyeball in the sinkhole and the spleen matter in the cupboards.

Then, was the dining room. Inside was a long banquet table covered in body matter and feces, all of it emitting a foul stench. There was 5 seats at the table, and each had a potion of healing in front of it, each inscribed with each party members name. This raised the entire party’s hackles bar Filen’s (who wanted to drink it, naturally), and they gave the entire thing a wide birth because honestly? Fuck that noise. A thorough investigation lead to nothing, so they ventured up a floor and went to the room on the right first.

Royal stuck his head in, and saw a night hag. She was rotting and damp and had maggots crawling out of old festering wounds. What followed was a long gruesome fight, with Merley initially running to the opposite side because she wanted nothing to do with the night hag, but eventually the party came out on top. The night hag exploded into maggots, and what was left behind was a symbol of fang.

We ended the session there, as it was getting late, and because it was a high point to end it on.

What an absolutely fantastic session. Stay tuned to see if they can brave the rest of the flesh manor, or succumb to its hellish tendencies.

They better pray to their preferred gods, or to me, ideally, because this is your Goddex and blessed DM for this great adventure. See you next time.

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Thou Heart Shall Go On (Session Five)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

We’re back, and actually on schedule, which is incredible. Good job, everyone. It was another wonderful session too!

Everyone woke up wonderfully, bar Merley, who rolled out of her hammock with such gusto and landed into the fire. Her clothes ended up burnt, but it’s a good job she’s fire resistant.

Upon checking their inventories, Filen learnt that their ‘winner winner chicken dinner’ was moudly and green, but did not care. After intervention from Royal and later Solana, in the form of shooting it out of Filen’s hand, Filen burnt the moudly entrails of what used to be a chicken dinner while Royal played ‘Thou Heart Shall Go On’ terribly on their instruments.

(Filen changed their sheet to have ‘The memory of Chicken Dinner’ and it’s weight listed as ‘insurmountable memories’.)

They walked up to the haunted mansion, and as they drew closer and despite it being midmorning, the sky was darkening fast. In the distance stood the mansion, glowing red and sucking in sunlight. As they got to the mansion’s border, Solana excused herself and Carmen, saying that they would not go any further. They would provide covering fire though.

Everything about this area was wrong. When they looked at the mansion, the mansion looked back.

Not that far into the mansion’s entrance pathway, Merley and Royal noticed two trees staring at them. Nobody else did. Upon initiative, and in the first round, Royal tried to insult the trees in Sylvan and ended up calling them an acorn. So, horribly failing. It devolved from there.

Highlights included Ryuu accidentally throwing his greatsword, Merley catching said greatsword, and successfully using it to deal a good chunk of damage to the enemy. Astor took a large amount of damage after being annihilated by a tree, and being knocked 10ft back. Filen was the MVP of the round and did the most damage out of anyone in the party.

Upon approaching the mansion, they discovered that it’s entirely made of flesh, feeling and looking alive. The windows were fleshed over, pus and blood dripping everywhere.

Astor went to open the main door, and was greeted by a reaper door trap, that swung directly into her throat. Thankfully, the gaping wound was fixed by Royal (once again). While they were debating what to do with the door, Merley recalled some history in a book she recently read.

“_Shadeswood Mansion was the final resting place for many criminals of varying races, as that’s where they were executed and their bodies simply left to rot. The head of the mansion lived in comfort till the prisoners revolted with what believed to be an ugodly help. That was purely rumours though, as people more commonly thought that it was magic and riot gone horribly horribly wrong._”

With Filen’s thieves tools and a great roll, Filen successfully disabled the door trap by weakening it’s reaction time, and then ripping the scythe off its hinges. Now with the trap tossed aside, they could finally enter the mansion.

Tune in next time to see where this hellscape leads them, and pray for them. Really, pick and god and pray. Because they’ll need it.

Pray to me though, as I said last log. This is your Goddex and blessed DM for this haunted adventure, Asari, signing off. See you next time, intrepid readers.

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Upkeep I (Session Four)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Between the chaos of the player’s schedules, illness, and the DM actually having a job for once, scheduling has been a nightmare. But tonight, we finally played.

We say goodbye to Broadbeard and his player, Rowan, as our group schedule conflicts with her sleeping schedule. Thank you for sharing your fantastic character with us, Rowan!

They had a chat with Solana and Carmen, who revealed that despite escaping Whitecliff, are still held by the intricacies of politics and cannot legally tie the bind just yet. They offered to explain their story at the local pub.

The King of Whitecliff was known for his political proweress, and often hosted cultural events where people from the nearby cities would bring their best and brightest to show off their skill. Thelallona brought Solana and her mother, who were both esteemed rangers. Through this, she met Carmen, who was just beginning her rebellious phase and was fascinated by Elven archery & ranger culture.

She began training with Solana in private, and they fell in love. They began a secret relationship only shared between themselves, and after many years, they finally managed to hatch a plan to get Carmen free from the grasp of her horrible father. The rest is history.

With the group levelling up after having a wonderful meal, they checked their inventory, and went shopping.

Upon return, Solana and Carmen informed them of a problem that needed a close quarters touch, as they were both archers. A ranger group had gone missing investigating an apparently haunted house, and needed the group’s help.

The group chose to deal with it in the morning, and camped up in the Ranger’s camp. Thelallona architecture is beautiful, it’s interwoven with nature, sharing the space instead of occupying it. The group is lead out to the edge of Thelallona’s main city, to the largest forest they’ve ever seen. The trees are incomprehensibly huge, and within the treeline, is a multitude of fires and multiple rangers milling about. They’re told to grab a hammock hanging from the trees, sleep close together, and Carmen and Solana will find them in the morning.

It was a short but sweet session, but totally satisfying.

Tune in next time to see the spooky haunted house, and if they either go Scooby Doo or Resident Evil 6.

… and they better start praying to me, your Goddex and extraordinarily gay DM, Asari.

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New Lands, New Discoveries (Session Three)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

Another week’s delay because mother nature thought it’d be rather funny to coup de gras my crotch. Oopsie daisy. But regardless, we finally got to have our third session, which was very roleplay heavy and was an absolute joy to experience.

Please refer to the last adventure log, Of Horses and Sea, to see where we last left off.

While Carmen disposes of the bodies, Royal attempts to help, rolls a -1 and eats shit on the deck. He plays a sad tune while multiple members ask where they’re going and why. They’re heading off to Thelallona “because”. At a failed apology and attempt to show cleavage from Astor, Geovanna approaches and kindly asks why they’re heading to Thelallona.

Carmen divulges the difficulty of growing up with a sexist father, and admits she had already had found a love and could not stand to keep it quiet and keep it so far away any longer. She just asks for patience.

They talk to Jackie, the helmswoman, ex-pirate and peg leg extraordinaire, if she needs help navigating. She says no, explains the reason of her peg leg (much bigger than a shark and destroyed her third ship) and tells the party to go the fuck to sleep.

So they do.

They wake up to Jackie kicking them awake (with Ryuu blowing lightning into the wood), and Carmen gone. They briefly panic (well, Royal does anyway), and go above deck to find cooking gruel and Jackie at the helm. Royal asks, and Jackie facepalms, and Royal actually looks up to see Carmen in the crows nest looking towards the horizon.

Character interactions happen, with Jackie throwing her peg leg at Royal (of which he keeps after she pulls out another peg leg), and Carmen skilfully descending the sails and thanking Royal for his… romantic interest.

Arguments happen, and Ryuu intimidates Merley after being insulted, causing Merley to shit herself.

Astor aptly asks where Carmen learnt how to shoot and how she became skilled in archery, and she said despite her dad being sexist and confined by rules, she went behind his back to teach herself with some help.

Merley asked why the food tasted unspiced and wasn’t flavourful, to which Jackie just asks “do you see a single plant around us?” and gestures at the ocean.

More character interactions happen, and it’s glorious. (Discussing how they met, and why they like each other.)

They finally discussed the golden necklace around Carmen’s neck, which they figured out was of Elven make, and Royal figured out that it was written in Thelallolan Elvish dialect.

Royal manages to lay Jackie, or is it vice versa? Who knows.

Two weeks pass of them somehow managing to entertain themselves, and they finally land in Thelallona. The port is ram packed, so many elves everywhere, and so much food. Carmen is practically impatient as they take an hour to pull up, and by the time the gangplank has dropped, she vaults off the boat. The party watches as she runs into the arms of her lover, a very tall, a beautiful dark skinned with beautiful afro hair, also has golden tattoos, and embraces her and kisses her. After a few minutes, they separate, and Carmen introduces the party to her fiancée, Solana.

Tune in next time to see how gay this campaign gets, and if they can handle how adorable Carmen and Solana are.

… and they better start praying to me, your Goddex and extraordinarily gay DM, Asari.

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