Valour from Within

Fail Snails (Session Nine)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

And we’re back! Onto the show.

The party (and by that I mean, Merley, Ryuu and Filen) descended downstairs from the inn and into the tavern and found Royal, Astor, Carmen and Solana missing. They first tried to track them by scent, Filen used his mouse to track breadcrumbs into the pantry, ultimately stealing one loaf of bread.

Then, they used the common sense part of their brain and asked the bartender. He was a black dwarf with a gnarled scar across his jaw, and while Merley did a double shot a straight vodka, Ryuu and Filen asked about their missing friends.

Eventually, they did learn about their hunt for the goblins, and their civil war. They were pointed in a vague direction by the bartender, and started walking. It was a while until they found tracks left by their friends.

Filen immediately went into stealth mode and had a look around, and noticed “Straight-backed Goblins” wearing gas masks huddled around their missing friend’s unconscious bodies while a pile of mauled goblins lay piled up on the opposite edge of the crater. Filen overheard them discussing about how they were not supposed to be the target of the gas, and that they didn’t know how it would behave on “City-dwellers.”

Ryuu then approached the Goblins, and was assault by a plethora of questions about gas on city-dwellers, none of which he could answer.

It turns out, that the Straight-backed Goblins were at civil war with their fellow brethren, but because they had revered a plague demon which then infected them via ear worms that took over their body and hosted them to spread the plague further.

He then tried to wake his friends up. First, he tried to shake Carmen awake, which did not work. Then, Ryuu slapped Royal so hard he immediately woke up and threw up down Ryuu’s front. He tried Solana next, who he only got in a semi-conscious state. Then Astor, of which he did a suplex. The hangovers were absolutely legendary.

One of them wasn’t a combatant, more of a self-described scholar, who specialised in biology. He asked for help from the party in taking out the “nest” in hopes that this would solve their goblin problem before it hit Thelallona, and in payment the party would get cheese, books, and a weapon for Ryuu.

So, they began walking. They discussed goblin-kind, and a bit about the Scholar himself, but stumbled upon two very pissed flail snails.

Now, you think the party could dispatch them with ease. Nope. They spent most of the combat completely missing, including the flail snails. Noteable things happened, such as: Ryuu cleaving one in half with a crit, beheading the other, and Royal yeeting his rapier so hard it went 50 paces and ended up pinning a bee to a tree.

We ended the session there because it was getting late for the DM, but it was cracking and super fun as usual.

How will the party deal with the nest? Will they get infected? Will the scholar get to use his incredibly high explosives? Tune in next time, and @ the MI6 reading this: I am but a simple Goddex, the high explosives are imaginary, please don’t kick my door in.

Drunken Shenanigans (Session Eight)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

We’re back! My knee is still fucked! Onto the show. A small session with few players, but we ran it regardless.

With the party back in Thelallona, most of them retired to bed. Apart from two: Astor and Royal. They decided to drink their woes and horrors away instead, joined by resident lesbians, Carmen and Solana.

In the process of getting drunk (or in Astor’s case, drunker), a messenger girl stampeded through the bar and handed them a letter from their adventuring guild. Apparently, Ebon Adventuring Group had now permanently stationed them in Thelallona, and wanted them to sort out the goblin civil war that was impacting business.

So, deciding to go while absolutely shitfaced, the squad set out with thankfully Solana knowing the way to where one sect of goblins are. Unfortunately, while walking through the thick underbrush, Carmen tripped on something and knocked herself out. The party, after this, heard mumbling and gobbish grumpling. “_Fleshfood smell delicious_.”

Out stepped a tiny green goblin, surprisingly beefy, and eyed the drunk party up. They explained their woes, saying that the other had stolen their precious cheese and recipe, all because she bedded the other chieftan’s daughter. So, she lead the drunken party into the goblin crater, and into the “Chieftan’s hut”.

Then it went quiet. When they got up to go investigate after a few minutes of callouts and vague attempts of speaking Goblin, a net trap sprung, trapping air where they were sitting just moments ago.

The tent then collapsed, revealing rabid and starved goblins. They were hungry, and the party was dinner.

Then the fight broke out. Rapiers and bows in hand, they fought valiantly, only taking minor damage. Astor killed many goblins, and Royal lost one (1) beard hair. Solana snapped the string on her bow, which resorted to her bringing up her fists, and landing a crit.

During the fight, the party noticed that while the goblins were natural, their symptoms were not. The foaming at the mouth, the disgusting behaviour, the general rabidness: something was wrong, and they were too drunk to find it out.

They somehow survived, despite being absolutely smashed. They were just about to celebrate victory when a fog rolled in, and they all shortly passed out. Every single one of them.

Will the rest of the party find them next time? How bad are their hangovers gonna be? I don’t know, but they better beg for mercy, and beg to me specifically, the Goddex, the DM, the homosexual themselves. See you next time.

Permanent Fingergun (Session Seven)

Hello, It is your Goddex speaking.

It’s been a long while hasn’t it? This DM had their birthday (got wankered both ways), and then went to a convention where they absolutely annihilated their knee.

But we’re back, and we’re finally ready to knock out this hellspawn manor once and for all… hopefully.

We started off this session with a crack rather than a bang, as the bard tried to kick open the next door. He ended up dislocating his knee, of which he rather professionally put that back in with a good medicine check.

To which Ryuu, local Big McLargehuge strongman, opened the door with a strength check and took it off it’s hinges. He then got greeted with two very pissed giant constrictor snakes. Everyone rolled initiative and did rather well, including myself. Ryuu’s first move was him throwing the door at a snake, and actually doing damage, which was incredible.

Astor, on the other hand, did not have such luck. She fed her rapier to the snake, and then got constricted and trapped by it. She did, however, get partially free, and thwapped it on the nose with a punch for constricting her.

Now. Filen really likes snakes. Really likes snakes. So when he saw the giant dog noodles, he really wanted to “boop the snoot”. And he did, except he lost 3 fingers on his right hand because of it. Everyone broke down laughing when he said he now has “a permanent fingergun.”

Royal, after an inspiring song of “Everybody Knows Shit Fucked”, charged in and absolutely obliterated the first snake with a crit, and Ryuu followed that up with a crit of his own and beheaded the other snake. In one round, after many rounds of struggle, two crits happened and the fight was over.

Now that they had the symbol of trap, they placed them in the locked door. It opened with Filen’s touch, to which he got blown down the stairs with a giant gust of air while everyone else remained standing. Inside, was a hallway that was quite similar to a throat, and Ryuu was the first person to brave this moist cave.

Inside was a room of which 6 bodies in burlap sacks dropped down, hanging from a noose. A puzzle was scratched out on the far wall, asking the players to free the innocent man. After much debate, they decided on the counterfeiter which thankfully for them, was the right answer. The puzzle on the wall turned into a mouth, of which opened and revealed a giant heart.

A brief debate happened, and Astor just decided to stab it because honestly, what else could they do? It was the heart of the manor, and the manor needed dealing with.

So they stab the heart, and brilliant flash of white overcomes their vision. Most people are left standing, with the exception of the bard, who is passed out in a puddle of their own puke.

Carmen and Solana appear shortly, thanking them for their work, while spreading salt around the edge of the crater of what used to be the manor.

We ended the session with a level up – they had finally reached level 3, the lucky sods. But many of them, particularly Filen, wondered what the cost was for all that XP. Filen seemed particularly disturbed.

What a fantastic session to come back to, and hey, we might even have some newcomers at this rate. So you better thank me, your Goddex, because who else can you thank? I’m brilliant! See you next time, readers.

Guts and Glory (Mainly Guts) (Session Six)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

How long has it been? Fucking hell, you look away for two minutes and there’s dust everywhere and it’s nearly been a month.

So, where were we? Right, haunted flesh manor of shit’s fucked.

So, Royal, the squishy bard, was the first to enter the mansion. He was immediately greeted with a zombie swipe to the face, and was thrown into initiative. The group fought coherently for the first time and despite damage being taken, they survived.

With the zombies finally out of the way, they took in the mansion. The short of it: it was absolutely vile. The long of it: the mansion was alive and it didn’t like them being there. There was a kitchen to the right, and a dining hall to the left. Pus bubbles burst, and every inch of it was fleshed over and moving. The entire time, they could faintly hear and feel a heartbeat that wasn’t there. There was a second floor, in a center an thick metal door with no way of opening it, and to the right and left of it, rooms.

Royal figured out to open the door, they needed a symbol of fang and a symbol of trap.

The party ventured into the kitchen first. Merley found 5 potions of health, Filen found 2 of the same, and Astor studied the painting that was staring right at them regardless of their positioning in the room. Upon discovering that Astor wanted nothing to do with something giving off such evil vibes, she gave it a wide berth. Other than that, nothing was to be found other than the diseased eyeball in the sinkhole and the spleen matter in the cupboards.

Then, was the dining room. Inside was a long banquet table covered in body matter and feces, all of it emitting a foul stench. There was 5 seats at the table, and each had a potion of healing in front of it, each inscribed with each party members name. This raised the entire party’s hackles bar Filen’s (who wanted to drink it, naturally), and they gave the entire thing a wide birth because honestly? Fuck that noise. A thorough investigation lead to nothing, so they ventured up a floor and went to the room on the right first.

Royal stuck his head in, and saw a night hag. She was rotting and damp and had maggots crawling out of old festering wounds. What followed was a long gruesome fight, with Merley initially running to the opposite side because she wanted nothing to do with the night hag, but eventually the party came out on top. The night hag exploded into maggots, and what was left behind was a symbol of fang.

We ended the session there, as it was getting late, and because it was a high point to end it on.

What an absolutely fantastic session. Stay tuned to see if they can brave the rest of the flesh manor, or succumb to its hellish tendencies.

They better pray to their preferred gods, or to me, ideally, because this is your Goddex and blessed DM for this great adventure. See you next time.

Thou Heart Shall Go On (Session Five)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

We’re back, and actually on schedule, which is incredible. Good job, everyone. It was another wonderful session too!

Everyone woke up wonderfully, bar Merley, who rolled out of her hammock with such gusto and landed into the fire. Her clothes ended up burnt, but it’s a good job she’s fire resistant.

Upon checking their inventories, Filen learnt that their ‘winner winner chicken dinner’ was moudly and green, but did not care. After intervention from Royal and later Solana, in the form of shooting it out of Filen’s hand, Filen burnt the moudly entrails of what used to be a chicken dinner while Royal played ‘Thou Heart Shall Go On’ terribly on their instruments.

(Filen changed their sheet to have ‘The memory of Chicken Dinner’ and it’s weight listed as ‘insurmountable memories’.)

They walked up to the haunted mansion, and as they drew closer and despite it being midmorning, the sky was darkening fast. In the distance stood the mansion, glowing red and sucking in sunlight. As they got to the mansion’s border, Solana excused herself and Carmen, saying that they would not go any further. They would provide covering fire though.

Everything about this area was wrong. When they looked at the mansion, the mansion looked back.

Not that far into the mansion’s entrance pathway, Merley and Royal noticed two trees staring at them. Nobody else did. Upon initiative, and in the first round, Royal tried to insult the trees in Sylvan and ended up calling them an acorn. So, horribly failing. It devolved from there.

Highlights included Ryuu accidentally throwing his greatsword, Merley catching said greatsword, and successfully using it to deal a good chunk of damage to the enemy. Astor took a large amount of damage after being annihilated by a tree, and being knocked 10ft back. Filen was the MVP of the round and did the most damage out of anyone in the party.

Upon approaching the mansion, they discovered that it’s entirely made of flesh, feeling and looking alive. The windows were fleshed over, pus and blood dripping everywhere.

Astor went to open the main door, and was greeted by a reaper door trap, that swung directly into her throat. Thankfully, the gaping wound was fixed by Royal (once again). While they were debating what to do with the door, Merley recalled some history in a book she recently read.

“_Shadeswood Mansion was the final resting place for many criminals of varying races, as that’s where they were executed and their bodies simply left to rot. The head of the mansion lived in comfort till the prisoners revolted with what believed to be an ugodly help. That was purely rumours though, as people more commonly thought that it was magic and riot gone horribly horribly wrong._”

With Filen’s thieves tools and a great roll, Filen successfully disabled the door trap by weakening it’s reaction time, and then ripping the scythe off its hinges. Now with the trap tossed aside, they could finally enter the mansion.

Tune in next time to see where this hellscape leads them, and pray for them. Really, pick and god and pray. Because they’ll need it.

Pray to me though, as I said last log. This is your Goddex and blessed DM for this haunted adventure, Asari, signing off. See you next time, intrepid readers.

Upkeep I (Session Four)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Between the chaos of the player’s schedules, illness, and the DM actually having a job for once, scheduling has been a nightmare. But tonight, we finally played.

We say goodbye to Broadbeard and his player, Rowan, as our group schedule conflicts with her sleeping schedule. Thank you for sharing your fantastic character with us, Rowan!

They had a chat with Solana and Carmen, who revealed that despite escaping Whitecliff, are still held by the intricacies of politics and cannot legally tie the bind just yet. They offered to explain their story at the local pub.

The King of Whitecliff was known for his political proweress, and often hosted cultural events where people from the nearby cities would bring their best and brightest to show off their skill. Thelallona brought Solana and her mother, who were both esteemed rangers. Through this, she met Carmen, who was just beginning her rebellious phase and was fascinated by Elven archery & ranger culture.

She began training with Solana in private, and they fell in love. They began a secret relationship only shared between themselves, and after many years, they finally managed to hatch a plan to get Carmen free from the grasp of her horrible father. The rest is history.

With the group levelling up after having a wonderful meal, they checked their inventory, and went shopping.

Upon return, Solana and Carmen informed them of a problem that needed a close quarters touch, as they were both archers. A ranger group had gone missing investigating an apparently haunted house, and needed the group’s help.

The group chose to deal with it in the morning, and camped up in the Ranger’s camp. Thelallona architecture is beautiful, it’s interwoven with nature, sharing the space instead of occupying it. The group is lead out to the edge of Thelallona’s main city, to the largest forest they’ve ever seen. The trees are incomprehensibly huge, and within the treeline, is a multitude of fires and multiple rangers milling about. They’re told to grab a hammock hanging from the trees, sleep close together, and Carmen and Solana will find them in the morning.

It was a short but sweet session, but totally satisfying.

Tune in next time to see the spooky haunted house, and if they either go Scooby Doo or Resident Evil 6.

… and they better start praying to me, your Goddex and extraordinarily gay DM, Asari.

New Lands, New Discoveries (Session Three)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

Another week’s delay because mother nature thought it’d be rather funny to coup de gras my crotch. Oopsie daisy. But regardless, we finally got to have our third session, which was very roleplay heavy and was an absolute joy to experience.

Please refer to the last adventure log, Of Horses and Sea, to see where we last left off.

While Carmen disposes of the bodies, Royal attempts to help, rolls a -1 and eats shit on the deck. He plays a sad tune while multiple members ask where they’re going and why. They’re heading off to Thelallona “because”. At a failed apology and attempt to show cleavage from Astor, Geovanna approaches and kindly asks why they’re heading to Thelallona.

Carmen divulges the difficulty of growing up with a sexist father, and admits she had already had found a love and could not stand to keep it quiet and keep it so far away any longer. She just asks for patience.

They talk to Jackie, the helmswoman, ex-pirate and peg leg extraordinaire, if she needs help navigating. She says no, explains the reason of her peg leg (much bigger than a shark and destroyed her third ship) and tells the party to go the fuck to sleep.

So they do.

They wake up to Jackie kicking them awake (with Ryuu blowing lightning into the wood), and Carmen gone. They briefly panic (well, Royal does anyway), and go above deck to find cooking gruel and Jackie at the helm. Royal asks, and Jackie facepalms, and Royal actually looks up to see Carmen in the crows nest looking towards the horizon.

Character interactions happen, with Jackie throwing her peg leg at Royal (of which he keeps after she pulls out another peg leg), and Carmen skilfully descending the sails and thanking Royal for his… romantic interest.

Arguments happen, and Ryuu intimidates Merley after being insulted, causing Merley to shit herself.

Astor aptly asks where Carmen learnt how to shoot and how she became skilled in archery, and she said despite her dad being sexist and confined by rules, she went behind his back to teach herself with some help.

Merley asked why the food tasted unspiced and wasn’t flavourful, to which Jackie just asks “do you see a single plant around us?” and gestures at the ocean.

More character interactions happen, and it’s glorious. (Discussing how they met, and why they like each other.)

They finally discussed the golden necklace around Carmen’s neck, which they figured out was of Elven make, and Royal figured out that it was written in Thelallolan Elvish dialect.

Royal manages to lay Jackie, or is it vice versa? Who knows.

Two weeks pass of them somehow managing to entertain themselves, and they finally land in Thelallona. The port is ram packed, so many elves everywhere, and so much food. Carmen is practically impatient as they take an hour to pull up, and by the time the gangplank has dropped, she vaults off the boat. The party watches as she runs into the arms of her lover, a very tall, a beautiful dark skinned with beautiful afro hair, also has golden tattoos, and embraces her and kisses her. After a few minutes, they separate, and Carmen introduces the party to her fiancée, Solana.

Tune in next time to see how gay this campaign gets, and if they can handle how adorable Carmen and Solana are.

… and they better start praying to me, your Goddex and extraordinarily gay DM, Asari.

Of Horses and Sea (Session Two)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

With only a week delay thanks to randomly falling ill, we managed to have our second session. And boy, was it a session.

Please refer to the last adventure log, Drawbridges, to see where we left off.

The guards see through their disguise, and ask what they’re doing. Astor fails a deception, Ryuu fails an intimidate, but Broadbeard succeeded, and threatened to replace their eyeballs with their scrotum and vice versa.

One guard runs away, the other guard attacks, misses, and Broadbeard kicks him so hard in the nutsack, his ballsack splits and is instantly knocked out.

The guards at the front doors notice through the disguise, and sounded the alarm. They all started running, Filen did a perfect stealth check, and Astor, on a shitty stealth check, started setting fire to things in an attempt to distract.

With everything on fire, they paint a giant target on their backs, and a hail of arrows hits the party. Some are hit, some are not, and they try to set fire to the drawbridge on the way out, which fails horribly.

They start bolting towards the stables as per Carmen’s request. They all get on a horse, with Filen on backwards, and they start bolting for Whitecliff. Bells are going, the alarm is sounded, and guards are mobilising both in front and behind.

Carmen responds by nicking a guard’s bow, another’s quiver, and headshots a guard as she’s riding. Broadbeard misses entirely, Royal runs a guard through with his rapier, and Ryuu gives someone a nice haircut.

They finally approach the docks, and Carmen dives in to get to her ship. Royal dives after, and starts drowning, while everyone else just about swims. Geovanna grabs him, but struggles to keep up. Filen grabs Merley and becomes a dolphin, while Ryuu helps Geovanna and Royal. They all scale the ship, with Geovanne fucking hucking Merley up when she gets up.

Carmen stamps on the boat, waking up the Captain and helsmen, who grumpily wakes up and goes above deck. She grumbles, laughs at Lorechester Castle being on fire, and instructs them to unfurl the sails and get going.

As the ship picks up speed, two boats pull up alongside, and guards start to climb aboard. Ryuu shanks one in the chest, and Merley finishes him off with a magic missile to the face.

A fight breaks out, and Geovanna accidentally chucks her shortsword into the ocean, and dives after it. Royal gives a guard even more depression with Vicious Mockery. Princess Carmen headshots a guard after Filen slices his throat. Astor moves behind Filen and Broadbeard, and the guard charges, causing Filen and Broardbeard to dissect him. Geovanna finally makes it back up aboard the ship, and runs through a guard, while Carmen continues to pop off headshots.

Eventually, all the guards fall, and the helmswoman whoops and cheers as they pick up speed, and head out into the open ocean.

Tune in next time to see how they manage the chaos of the seas, and hey, maybe we’ll get some even more interesting rolls.

… and they better start praying to me, your Goddex and beloved DM, Asari.

Drawbridges (Session One)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

Our first session was a major success, with everyone having fun. Rolls were had, and the dice gods blessed and damned many.

To remind you all, the party, as a branch of the Ebon Adventuring Group, got hired out by Princess Carmen to kidnap herself. All they actually have to do is pull it off.

Let’s see what our intrepid adventurers got up to.

We started off outside Lorechester castle, with the party looking at a raised drawbridge.

Royal and Merley stand on the opposite side of the drawbridge and distracted the guards. Ryuu pushed Astor into the moat in an attempt to throw her, while Broadbeard literally chucked Filen at the wall. Filen scrambled up, got distracted by food, and alerted 2 guards on the drawbridge.

Astor saw what was happened, scrambled up herself, and started initiative. Filen begged for mercy successfully (he was just so hungry!), but Astor tried to slice guard 2’s throat, but got interrupted by the other guard. They both got slapped about, Broadbeard intimidated them, the casters got involved, guard 1 jumped off the bridge in fear. Guard 2 pointed and laughed when Ryuu tried to intimidate.

After another shitty intimidation check, guard 2 decided he wasn’t getting paid enough for this shit, and backflipped off. After some poor strength checks to crank that crank, they just dropkicked it and lowered it down quietly.

So they make their way through the courtyard, and get stopped at the main door by two guards. The guards ask them what they’re doing – Royal convinced the guards that they’re entertainers. They make their way up to Princess Carmen, and after finding out what actually is her room (and Royal checking out her ass), Princess Carmen notices Royal and invites them in. Royal kisses her hand, and picks her up bridal style, and she’s not impressed.

To make it look like a kidnapping, Broadbeard flips the bed, Filen carves a smiley face in the wall, Ryuu smashes the window, and Carmen gets sick of waiting and just starts smashing stuff up. Royal, in a clever move, attempts to use his disguise kit… and changes her hair, but draws an epic moustache on her upper lip. They leave, and lock the door them and head for the stairs.

They get approached by guards at the top of the stairs because of they heard a ruckus, and Royal says “uhhh… we were just done entertaining the Princess,” and the guards go to check on the Princess, Astor goes, “uhhh… don’t do that, the Princess is… loudly reading.”

Ended session here, because holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

Tune in next time, where we see how the party gets out of this scenario. And hey, maybe they’ll roll better.

… they better start praying to me, your Goddex and beloved DM, Asari.

Introductions (Session Zero)

Hello, it is your Goddex speaking.

I’m Asari, the DM, and after every session, I will be posting an adventure log after every session explaining what my party has been up to… for better or for worse.

We finally established characters, introduced the premise of the campaign, and finally planned to do session one.

So, I am more than happy to introduce, the party:

  • Alex – Ryuu, dragonborn fighter, lawful good
  • Blake – Broadbeard, dwarf barbarian, chaotic good
  • Chels – Royal, half-elf bard, chaotic good
  • Meg – Merley, tiefling wizard, chaotic good
  • Pokeh – Astor, human rogue, true neutral
  • Potato – Filen, elf rogue, chaotic good
  • Spidey – Geovanna, human paladin, neutral good

Goddex (ha, me!) help their souls.

Now, onto the premise for session one.

The party, through their employers, the Ebon Adventuring Guild, has hired them out to help Princess Carmen of Whitecliff kidnap herself.

Good luck.


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